Calling all Scotsmen:

Always use good English...

A man's cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

Game keeper shouts ' Dinnae drink thon water min, its foo o' coo's shite ‘n pish.’

Man replies 'My good fellow, I'm English .....repeat that in English'.

Gamekeeper replies 'i said use both hands - you get more that way'

A Joke

Since it seems to be the year of Weddings...

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mum and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mum if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies , "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mum says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mum replies, "OK, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."